there is such a lot of world to see

Optical Delusion of Consciousness

2011-02-10T17:53:00.001-05:00

"A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive."

-Albert Einstein, 1954

Rightness of the Work

2011-02-10T17:51:00.000-05:00

"Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything."
— Thomas Merton

Velveteen Rabbit

2010-10-05T17:03:00.000-04:00

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive.

But the Skin Horse only smiled.

It Doesn't Interest Me

2010-09-18T16:31:00.001-04:00

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know

what you ache for

and if you dare to dream

of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me

how old you are.

I want to know

if you will risk

looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me

what planets are

squaring your moon...

I want to know

if you have touched

the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened

by life’s betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed

from fear of further pain.

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

It doesn’t interest me

if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know

if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me

where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments.

Version of an Optimist

2010-08-22T17:01:00.001-04:00

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

-Rabindranath Tagore

Marilyn Breaking Down Double Standards

2010-08-12T00:30:00.001-04:00

Lorelei Lee -- Marilyn Monroe

Gus Esmond -- Tommy Noonan

Mr. Esmond Sr. -- Taylor Holmes

Mr. Esmond Sr.: Young lady, you don't fool me one bit.

Lorelei Lee: I'm not trying to, but I bet I could.

Mr. Esmond Sr.: No, you might convince this jackass you love him but you'll never convince me.

Lorelei Lee: That's too bad, because I do love him.

Mr. Esmond Sr.: Certainly, for his money!

Lorelei Lee: No, honestly.

Mr. Esmond Sr.: Have you got the nerve to stand there and expect me to believe that you don't want to marry my son for his money?

Lorelei Lee: It's true.

Mr. Esmond Sr.: Then what do you want to marry him for?

Lorelei Lee: I want to marry him for your money!

Gus Esmond: You see--Oh, Lorelei!

Lorelei Lee: You see, that's why we have to have his consent, silly.

Mr. Esmond Sr.: Well, at least we're getting down to brass tax. You admitt that all your after is money?

Lorelei Lee: No, I don't. Aren't you funny? Don't you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You might not marry a girl just because she's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help? And if you had a daughter, wouldn't you rather she didn't marry a poor man?

Mr. Esmond Sr.: But I--

Lorelei Lee: You'd want her to have the most wonderful things in the world and to be very happy. Oh why is it wrong for me to want those things?

Mr. Esmond Sr.: Well I can see that.. Say, they told me you were stupid. You don't sound stupid to me.

Lorelei Lee: I can be smart when it's important, but most men don't like it.

Dizziness of Freedom

2010-08-01T20:38:00.000-04:00

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom." - Soren Kierkegaard

Accept All That Is Different Between Us

2010-07-30T22:04:00.001-04:00

"Our ability to live in peace with each other depends first and foremost on our ability to accept all that is different between us. I want to get closer to you, but let me be who I am. I welcome you coming closer to me, while respecting who you are. On our own individual paths we are all looking for the bread, the water, the wind and a dignified life. And yes, we all cling to love." - Idan Raichel

Contribution

2010-06-13T09:02:00.000-04:00

"Each one of us can make a contribution. Too frequently, we think we have to do spectacular things." -Desmond Tutu

creativity

2010-05-24T06:00:00.000-04:00

"Creativity can solve almost any problem. The creative act, the defeat of habit by originality, overcomes everything." - George Lois

Performative Femininity

2010-05-24T05:54:00.000-04:00

"We perform femininity, and not only does it not succeed in bringing about the desired result, I think it’s actually counter-productive to our real goals. Particularly when we’re talking about relationships—lots of people really do want love, and close and serious romantic connections, and femininity is supposed to help us be lovable and desirable. And sure, it might help in attracting a man, but the culture of performative femininity actually makes it less likely that men will regard us as complete human beings, thus making it almost impossible for us to have real emotional intimacy with them, the kind that comes from being able to regard each other as equals."

Silvana at Tiger Beatdown

Committed Citizens

2010-05-23T06:27:00.002-04:00

"Never doubt that a small group of committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."- Margaret Mead

Time-Tested Beauty Tips

2010-05-23T01:06:00.000-04:00

Time Tested Beauty Tips

by Sam Levenson

For attractive lips,

speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,

seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,

share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,

let a child run his fingers through it once a day.

For poise,

walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things,

have to be restored, renewed, revived,

reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed.

Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,

you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands;

One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

Micah 6:8

2010-05-13T05:27:00.001-04:00

No, O people, the LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

Micah 6:8

Real Adventure

2010-05-05T03:34:00.000-04:00

"Adventure is a path. Real adventure - self determined, self motivated, often risky - forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and the bottomless cruelty of humankind and perhaps realize that you, yourself, are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black and white." - Mark Jenkins

Freedom

2010-05-04T01:50:00.002-04:00

taken from postsecret.blogspot.com

From My Amazing Sister

2010-04-21T02:00:00.000-04:00

Moving Water

2010-04-19T05:20:00.001-04:00

When you do things from your soul,

you feel a river moving in you, a joy.

When actions come from another section,

the feeling disappears.

Don't let others lead you.

They may be blind or, worse, vultures.

Reach for the rope of God.

And what is that?

Putting aside self-will.

Because of willfulness

people sit in jail,

the trapped bird's wings are tied,

fish sizzle in the skillet.

The anger of police is willfulness.

You've seen a magistrate

inflict visible punishment.

Now see the invisible.

If you could leave your selfishness,

you would see how

you've been torturing your soul.

We are born and live inside black water in a well.

How could we know what an open field of sunlight is?

Don't insist on going where you think you want to go.

Ask the way to the spring.

Your living pieces will form a harmony.

There is a moving palace that floats in the air

with balconies and clear water flowing through,

infinity everywhere, yet contained

under a single tent.

-Rumi

The Risk To Blossom

2010-04-04T09:47:00.000-04:00

It takes courage to push yourself to places you have never been before, to test your limits, to break through barriers, and the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-Anais Nin

Powerful

2010-04-04T06:05:00.001-04:00

We are powerful because we have survived.

I have come to believe over and over again,

that what is most important to me must be spoken,

made verbal and shared,

even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.

When I dare to be powerful,

to use my strength in the service of my vision,

then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.

Your silence will not protect you.

-Audre Lorde

Paul Varjak

2010-04-03T08:02:00.001-04:00

“You know what’s wrong with you Miss Whoever-you-are? You’re chicken. You’ve got no guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, “Okay, life’s a fact.” People do fall in love. People do belong to each other because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness. You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing. And you’re terrified that somebody’s going to stick you in a cage. Well baby, you’re already in that cage. You built it yourself, and it’s not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas or in the east by Somaliland. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

-Breakfast at Tiffany's

At Peace

2010-03-30T07:07:00.001-04:00

Very near my setting sun, I bless you, Life

because you never gave me neither unfilled hope

nor unfair work, nor undeserved sorrow/pain

Because I see at the end of my rough way

that I was the architect of my own destiny

and if I extracted the sweetness or the bitterness of things

it was because I put the sweetness or the bitterness in them

when I planted rose bushes I always harvested roses

Certainly, winter is going to follow my youth

But you didn’t tell me that May was eternal

I found without a doubt long my nights of pain

But you didn’t promise me only good nights

And in exchange I had some peaceful ones

I loved, I was loved, the sun caressed my face

Life, you owe me nothing, Life, we are at peace!

- Amado Nervo

Owning Yourself

2010-03-22T06:25:00.001-04:00

"the individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. and if you try it you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. but there is no price too high to pay for the priviledge of owning yourself." - nietzsche

Back to Real Pop and the Art of Music Videos

2010-03-17T08:39:00.001-04:00

Simple Goods: Sherri Urann

2010-02-11T00:17:00.001-05:00

MUST SEE:

my amazing friend Sherri's paintings and art

Chinese Proverb

2010-01-25T10:59:00.000-05:00

"The mightiest oak in the forest is just a little nut that held its ground."

routines and habits

2009-12-04T23:51:00.000-05:00

“Routines and habits are the Known, protecting us from the Unknown. Habits are also called home. Habits tame the raw wilderness of existence into the civilized comforts of everyday life. Unfortunately, as we all know, habits gradually domesticate all the wildness and energy out of life. So much energy gets bound up in routines and habituated patterns, keeping them alive, that your life goes dead instead. Thus, if you want to discover again the wild side of life, you have to leave “home”; you have to break or dissolve your habits in order to release the energy locked up inside them.”

–Ed Buryn

in love

2009-11-10T04:10:00.001-05:00

"It was in love I was created, and in love is how I hope I die."

- Paolo Nutini

Female Astronauts

2009-10-15T03:18:00.002-04:00

NASAs Forgotten Female Astronauts

Though not as grand, this misogyny still exists.

What Your Destiny Will Be

2009-10-11T13:29:00.000-04:00

"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve." - Albert Schweitzer

"Dive"

2009-09-23T17:55:00.000-04:00

- Andrea Gibson

("Dive" YouTube link)

Culture Replaces Biology?

2009-09-04T13:12:00.001-04:00

End of Evolution: Has Human Culture Replaced Biology?

I am endlessly intrigued...

Not Sure How I Feel About This...

2009-09-02T01:44:00.000-04:00

my friend

2009-08-19T03:08:00.001-04:00

"When you're aiming for the sky it always feels like you're running around flapping your arms and waiting for the miracle of flight. And then you realize all you ever had to do was close your eyes and dream it and you're wherever you can imagine yourself always wanting to be." -- Taylor McHugh, a true friend

WIN!

2009-08-18T10:03:00.000-04:00

http://failblog.org/2009/08/07/hair-salon-win/

It's Your Call

2009-08-17T07:55:00.003-04:00

"You're scared to death at the fact that you might have to rely on yourself for the first time ever...

I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You'd never know it, but there's most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you're feeling completely abandoned. Maybe because you realized you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should have handled something different. Or maybe because you aren't as good as you thought you were. In the end, when you hit that low point, you have a choice: you can either wallow in self pity, or you can suck it up. It's your call...

It's the day I realized that admitting we are not heroic is when we are the most heroic of all."

-Scrubs, Season 1, My Hero

How I Feel

2009-08-12T12:51:00.001-04:00

Morning in a City - Edward Hopper

De-stress the dis-ease

2009-08-11T07:58:00.000-04:00

Good article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anne-naylor/8-ways-to-read-your-bodys_b_250643.html

"To slow down further, take in a few deep breaths. Breathe the spirit of wellness into your dis-ease or whatever it is that is causing you discomfort. Expand out of and beyond the tightness and tension, the issues that are painful for you. Leave them behind with your out breaths. Allow yourself to feel the peace within you."

Creativity or Pension?

2009-07-27T05:38:00.002-04:00

“Freedom of movement is not the only vital liberty; freedom of work is still more important. Nor is subjugation the greatest bondage; narrowness of opportunity is the worst cage of all.” – Rabindranath Tagore

I met a Malay man on one of my many plane rides here who was just laid off of his job of 8 years in California and was moving back to Malaysia due to his lack of funds. He seemed quite find over the decision when he said, “Humans weren’t meant to stay in one job for 25 years. Sure, it’s great for pension and health insurance, but it stifles our creativity – our souls weaken. And think about, its stupid to think that a company would keep the same employee for that long – why, because they know what they’re doing? They know the routine? Sure routine is good for a bit to sustainability, but I thought business, and life, were about risks – so you gotta switch it up because nothing will never grow in the same rut they’re making.”

More reason for health insurance and social security to be stronger in the US: relying on a job for those things is stifling creativity!

BANGKOK: Buddhas, Rice and the French - OH MY!

2009-07-20T11:31:00.008-04:00

SO, Bangkok!! Well I arrive late Wednesday after a loooong day of flights from Japan to Malaysia (delayed plane) to Bangkok. Mark met me downstairs and has one big room. He had to go to work at the IOM so I slept in a bit then hopped in one of the brightly colored taxis (and when I say brightly colored, I mean brightly colored: fuchsia, fire red, daisy yellow, violet) to a temple called Wat Pho, with one of the largest statues of Buddhas eveeerrr. I found a smaller statue with more solitude and meditated for a bit. I cried a smige, out of gratitude – God is Great. After taking too many pictures (which there are sooo many tourists here!!)

I walked around, avoiding other ‘ghosts’ (white people). I found this outdoor food stand where this little cook caught me eyeing some food so she just slapped some fish and rice onto a plate and handed it to me. It was suuuper spicy but good. And it cost about 70 cents.

Then I took a Pepto pill.

So I wander around to a smaller non-touristy temple and some old man convinced me to buy a pendant with the portrait of man that I don't know. These three college Thai girls approach me and ask if they can interview me for a class, asking me about my opinions on Thailand. they speak a little English and were so cute. We wound out walking around (dude, my Thai is terrible, I can't remember their names for the life of me) and they helped me pick out a dress for the evening! They told me if I was staying in Thailand, they would take me to Chang-Mai. I love making friends.

So I head back and get to Mark's apt. We grab some Pineapple rice then head to the red light district where there are shows of Thai women popping ping pong balls out of their pussy. No. Lie. There are menus of this shit: pussy writes a letter, pussy blows out a match... intrigued as I was, I declined.

Next day I bum around his neighborhood for a bit, still catching up on jet lag and lugging around that damn luggage. I sat with this old woman watching the King on TV. Later we ride on the back of two motorcycles through the traffic to dinner. Then to one of Mark’s coworkers place to drink until we had out. Gorgeous building, though security was lacking because they let us hooligans in. One girl is from Toronto but lived in France so we were meeting some French people (there are lot of them here) at this club called 'Bed and Supper.' We get there and I buy shoes on the street because my Tevas don’t go with my purple and black cocktail dress. Arriving at the door to the club, the guy who we are supposed to see sing, already performed and we weren’t on the list anymore -- it was 800 bhat to enter. Toronto chick works her magic and we get in for free. The club is full of couches where we lounge with the French. The brother of one of the Frenchman gets up and sings again, in Spanish, Italian and English. Another coworker, a sweet Asian guy from Toronto buys me a drink and we hit the dance floor like maniacs, it was beautiful. The Frenchmen start dancing with me, and do as the French casually do...

Mark heads home so I stay out with the Canadians and French. We cram 8 in a taxi and move onto another club, where I sort of accidently kissed this Thai girl after dancing on the stripper pole with Toronto chick. Then about 3:30am, this Indian (or was he Turkish?) man told me he wanted to marry a girl with short hair then asked to smell it.

I left.

Mark we go to the Grand Palace and I got myself lost in the gold and gems and copious amount of Buddhas. I wrote a bit, hidden in this little enclave surrounded by paintings from the Mahabarata. Your eyes could get lost in a place like this, there is so much to look at. I sat in this one temple where a 14cm Emerald Buddha lives symbolizing a long history of Thailand – it was stolen like 5 times.

At night, we have reservations with Mark's friends to eat at this rooftop bar above this super fancy hotel. It was an interesting ending to Bangkok: sitting with two pretentious trust fund babies who are studying finance and did not ask me one question about myself, on this overpriced menu of roasted duck in a sundried cherry sauce surrounded by rich people and the lights of metropolis. Dhaka will not be like this, at all – my last hurrah. We ended up at Cow San (sp?) and I drank my whiskey in twenty seconds because I wasn’t allowed to bring it upstairs to watch this rapper.

We headed back to Mark’s in time for me to pack, catch up on emails and head to the airport at 3:15am.

Short, sweet, but – sweet. I liked Thailand: it’s a friendly, obliging city and I love the availability of Buddhism. Maybe I’ll teach English on the border…

Click here to see more photos!

New Blog!!

2009-07-12T23:49:00.002-04:00

For those who haven't caught on - check out my new blog:

http://amandasfulbright.blogspot.com

I'll be posting there more frequently as I begin this new journey!

Carmina Burana

2009-07-08T00:10:00.001-04:00

I finally found my favourite version of Carmina Burana -- done by Chor Der Deutschen Oper Berlin. When my computer crashed, I lost it. I found other versions, but trust me, this one is right. I've personally studied this piece for years -- years! I know every part of this music, every cymbal, crescendo, horn -- even each time the triangle is used. If you know me well, you've seen me rock out in my car or room to it; and by rock out, I mean heavy, man.

I cannot help but beam at this whole movement -- it describes life. Period. Everyone knows the first piece (when you download it, you'll say 'Ooh! I know this!'), which talks about the fortune of life, it's ups and downs. The rest of movement describes it: anger, inebriation, youth, death, rebirth, God, depression, doubt... and a lot of love and sex. My favourite piece 'Si Puer Cum Puellula' says:

If a boy with a girl
tarries in a little room,
happy is their coupling
Love rises up
and between them
prudery is driven away
An ineffable game begins
in their limbs, arms and lips

How sexy is that?!? It's sung by six men, almost gossiping. I like the idea of it being shared and worshiped for its romance. I am so happy to have a hold of this piece of Western masterpiece before I head to Asia :)

Out of the Glass Bottle

2009-07-07T06:36:00.001-04:00

“When we get out of the glass bottle of our ego and when we escape like the squirrels in the cage of our personality and get into the forest again, we shall shiver with cold and fright. But things will happen to us so that we don’t know ourselves. Cool, unlying life will rush in.” - D. H. Lawrence

Raised an Albatross

2009-07-03T14:41:00.003-04:00

I have constantly been giving my mother hugs, to make up for a year of no hugs. She is going through the 'empty nest' syndrome and isn't quiet about it. Today I told her:

Amanda: You know, the best thing you can give your kids are roots and wings.

Patti: Yeah, but I didn't know I'd raise an albatross.

I love my mother.

Women Travelers

2009-07-02T15:38:00.001-04:00

For anyone worried about me:

A Women's Perspective on Solo Travel

Indian Court Overturns Gay Sex Ban

2009-07-02T11:23:00.001-04:00

For anyone interested in gay rights for South Asians: Indian Court Overturns Gay Sex Ban

Bangladesh, as a Muslim country, will have different views on homosexuality. I am mainly interested because homosexuality in many cases is tied to gender roles, and the views of women. I am eager to see the comparisons if there are any.

What was interesting is this comment:

“This is wrong,” said Maulana Abdul Khaliq Madrasi, a vice chancellor of Dar ul-Uloom, the main university for Islamic education in India. The decision bring Western culture to India, he said, will “corrupt Indian boys and girls.”

Homosexuality as western culture - what do you think of that?

Fortunate Fool

2009-06-24T00:17:00.003-04:00

My full horoscope said some wonderful things that I hope are true. It also said some crappy things that I know are.. true.

At one point, it said I would either be very fortunate or very unfortunate in life. I've always be conscious of my life and my luck. To quote my poetic JM: "I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life." I can say now that I have had the fortunate side of life - very fortunate. I wouldn't say 'charmed' or 'lucky' (Luck is catching the train before it leave, and charmed is the Upper East Side..) but my life is favorable and blessed with goodness.

Reading my horoscope, I worried that it would turn -- turn to very unfortunate. I've always worried that things must become bad because they have been so good. But -- I am deciding that I have more agency in all of that. My life will remain fortunate for as long as my attitude views it as so.

Returning Home

2009-06-22T01:57:00.002-04:00

Great article -- says everything:

Life Lessons from Gulliver's Travels

Court's Graduation

2009-06-20T13:03:00.000-04:00

love love :)

Tyler and Amanda in Wonderland

2009-06-15T21:58:00.005-04:00

The Pacific Northwest - Washington and Oregon. Seven days of driving around to meet up with 25 family members, stopping in a dozen towns along the way. After constantly quoting Disney and the Aviator, we are logically engaged.

Click here to view photos.

Traveling is a brutality

2009-06-05T14:46:00.000-04:00

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things - air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky - all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” - Cesare Pavese

The Richest

2009-06-05T12:59:00.003-04:00

After catching up with old friends this week, a beautiful friend said that now we're graduated and updating resumes, he knows that there are people who have accomplished more than he has. However, he said he can proudly say that he has lived: lived abroad and traveled, shared and exchanged ideas with many people, and enjoyed his work and his city.

I agreed -- I think life shouldn't be measured by finances or awards, but if you smile at old women on the train. If you can make someone genuinely laugh. Or if you hold someone when tears fall.

If you can't count those moments, to quote a sweet man in Mexico, "You are the richest person I know."

In twenty years

2009-05-29T00:08:00.001-04:00

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed in the things you did not do than the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

Top 10 Moments of Montreal

2009-05-26T17:58:00.003-04:00

10) hanging out at Tam Tam and dancing with some belly dancers
9) getting to first base with a horse named Jim
8) pizzas, crepes, nutella, OH MY!
7) living and loving Old Montreal
6) ev-ery-thing that went down in St. Catherine's Theatre in the Red District
5) the Ostrich bar and the Ostrich herself
4) Dimitri's sex advice: "if you are in love, be ready to have sex anytime, anywhere .. and the woman is to control the man"
3) four hour long dinner conversations of sisterly bonding and unconditional love
2) the highly erotic tattoo session
1) C's comedy debut and receiving a surprise lap dance from FUCT

Didgeridu.
i love you, camille.

Brooklyn Love

2009-05-25T22:46:00.001-04:00

I just said goodbye to the greatest roommate - Jika, my smooches. As we said our 'see-ya-laters', we shared that our adorable little apartment was the first 'home' we've had outside our parent's. Her patient, supportive and genuine spirit made the little place on Irving a home - OUR home. Though I picked on her for the silliest things, I have the upmost respect for her compassion, intuition, and strength. I will pull from her spirit as inspiration when we are apart. And my love, I'll see you in Burma :)

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Montreal Day Une

2009-05-22T16:22:00.001-04:00

Two sisters together in Old Montreal!! Making friends with smiling ladies to fatherly taxi drivers to sweet carriage owners, and people- watching everywhere :) PS this city is so clean!

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Who Can Say They Tap Danced at Radio City Music Hall...

2009-05-20T23:07:00.007-04:00

...I can!!

Today was my graduation from Pace University! I came home after moving out of my apartment and coming back to Long Island, I turned to my mother and started crying: "They gave me an award and made me sound so nice!" I barely realized how much of a big deal it was. But still, the hilight was tap dancing across the stage at Radio City Music Hall -- what a rush, man!! I was shaking the whole time after!!

It was such a nice ceremony and it went really fast when you are goofin' around on stage hehe. NK said it, no applause, thanks or standing ovation will suffice to those who came today: my amazing parents Patti and Frank, my sister Camille, my Godmother - Chuchi Nancy, my love love Courtney, my other half Tyler, my favorite roommate Jika, her mother Jeanny, the Queen of Brooklyn - Aunt Mary and my badass Aunt Kathy. And a special shout out to my Uncle Joe who couldn't make it but wrote me a beautiful poem that I'll post next week. I love you all so very much.

I have nothing else to say. This is all so surreal.

Click here to view my graduation pictures.

Who Decided This Garb??

2009-05-20T18:28:00.000-04:00

On stage at Pace University's graduation in Radio City Music Hall!! More pictures and video to come :)

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The Culture of Praise

2009-05-17T16:29:00.006-04:00

“Praise nauseates you but woe betide those who do not recognize your worth.” –Dag Hammarskjold

I’ve always loved that quote by the 2nd Secretary General of the United Nations. And now I attempt to discuss a commonly ignored topic – the ego and its accomplishments. We glide past discussing our pride in fear of appearing ‘condescending,’ a fear I’ve felt… a lot. But it is my undergraduate commencement and in our culture of celebrating good work, it’s been hard to ignore.

I was invited to a Trustee Awards dinner for winning an award from my university. Dragging my best friend along (who so flawlessly introduced himself as ‘Amanda’s arm candy’), we drank too many free glasses of wine at a swanky downtown dinner gathering with the heads of my school. I felt awkward the whole time: surrounded by uptight businessmen who knew nothing about me expect for the bio someone wrote about me using my resume as their reference. Really, what does my resume say about me?

After they honored the awardees, everyone left, shook hands and congratulated me. Still uncomfortable, I handed out my business cards to people interested in my work. While I take pride in my accomplishments and appreciated that my university is honoring how hard I worked, it did not feel genuine. They do not know me. They don’t know the young women I met that made me choose this work, how friends and professors who shaped me, the frustrating moments where I persevered, the damaging caves I slowly crawled out of, the newfound confidence I’ve gained… They know nothing about me and how I’ve grown.

The day after, in the office of my adviser, she gave me the recognition I was looking for. She met me four years ago as I embarked on my undergraduate career and begun my studies in anthropology. She’s had me as a student and a teaching assistant. She has read my blog and listened to my travel stories. After reading the piece I’ve been working on for over a year, she said something – a compliment that was more prodigious than any lavish dinner on the 18th floor of a Manhattan building.That is what I think of when I hear the Dag quote: this praise, of wearing a blue commencement gown, adorned with medals and hoods to distinguish different accomplishments, is disingenuous. Being put up on a pedestal for ‘community service’ is insincere and almost contradictory (how does one give back to the community in service if they are above the community?). But the recognition of my worth by a close mentor is what I take pride in.

Of course I will not deny the award, and I will attend each of the honorary dinners; because I must ‘build up’ my resume in this culture. Instead, I will try to take pride not in the awards listed on the resume, but the smiles from my friends and family at my dinner after graduation. The confidence I now possess is my award.

my biggest wish

2009-05-04T23:59:00.007-04:00

As I sit here, tying up all loose ends in my thesis -- I can't help but daydream about the girls from ABWU. I do not lie when I tell you that I have dreams about running into Ripa on the streets of Dhaka, or finding out where she was sent after the shelter. I cry -- I am crying -- thinking about giving them the biggest hug and telling them how I never forgot about them, showing them my wrist - proving how they left an indelible impression on me. I want to be their paagli didi forever.

That is my biggest wish. Once I'm back in Bengal - it won't be a wish, but my goal and purpose. I will command it of Allah and Ganesh and all the gods.

And now I can't stop crying.

Anthony & NYCFT

2009-05-03T11:41:00.006-04:00

Big shout out to my friend and SASer '07 Anthony Minerva who just received the New York City Teaching Fellowship! Similar to Teach for America, NYCFT sends young professionals into public schools in NYC to engage students and create change. Anthony will be working at the following elementary school, here's a video of some of their efforts:

How cute are they! It seems like a great program and even though now I can't visit him in Mozambique, I am extremely proud. WHOOT!!

$60 on books

2009-05-02T11:34:00.004-04:00

I can't afford to buy eggs, but I just spent $60 on books -- can you guess the theme?

Interpreter of Maladies - Jhumpa Lahiri
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
Rabindranath Tagore: An Anthology - Krishna Detta and Andrew Robinson
Bangladesh 2000: On the Brink of Civil War - Paul Ryder Ryan

They are to match my favourite books:
Shantaram - G.D. Roberts
God of Small Things - Andrundati Roy

my queer career at Pace

2009-05-01T13:24:00.008-04:00

That's me, in my Performing Identities Course - a cross-dressing acting class. I was Clive from Cloud Nine. This has been the most rewarding class I've ever taken. Dissecting gender, sexuality, race has been enlightening to all forms of social construction. I've felt myself become more understanding of people, seeing how easily we pick up characteristics and mannerisms and how painfully inescapable they can be. I've been more forgiving of myself for not being able to loose my own superficial traits. Though this is not to say I'm now hopeless of change.

We were once arguing in class about the right approach to cat-calling on the street (sound familiar?) - whether to respond or ignore. Good arguments were given on both sides, and we couldn't decide what was wrong or right. Sid made a great point that I will continue to follow: "Not sorting it all out is okay - it prevents us from being put into boxes."

The improv assignments, like 'Please/No', that Lisa gave to us were so revealing. One student could only say 'please,' the other 'no.' Watching two people act their roles following their line was revealing as to how someone could 'act' stronger or weaker, 'act' a leader or follower. Backing up, shoulders back, speaking slow and deep were all signs that we learned to associate with weakness or strength. The plays we had to read (As You Like It, Twelfth Night, Cloud Nine, M. Butterfly) which we analyzed with queer theory has changed the way I look at literature. And Sid said it again: "Good art makes you think one thing when your brushing your teeth and another when you are on the subway."

And this was my final day of undergraduate classes at Pace University. As I step out of NYC and face Dhaka, I know that at least I can pass for man and not get harassed...

Joking. Sort of. I remember senior year of high school getting sentimental, but I feel less attached to this place (granted I've spent a quarter of it abroad and a third dreaming about going abroad). But I will miss NYC and Pace. But it's not up to me to be sad about it -- graduation is happening whether I want it to or not. So I will enjoy it, take pride in my efforts and accomplishments and be excited for new beginnings. I have been given confidence, resourcefulness, and a relentless critical mind to head into my world that will not always be structured around a classroom.

And I can say that I ended my career in a class where I was dressed as a patriarchal man, screaming at our improv car rides and learning queer theory. With this end, I have high hopes for the next steps...

this is real.

2009-04-29T09:22:00.003-04:00

I just received my first email from the Bangladesh consulate in Dhaka, advising me on my visa paperwork, contracts with Dhaka University, and to let them know when I am to arrive...

(this is real)

Rational Minds

2009-04-28T21:54:00.001-04:00

Amanda: I have a great rational mind - I just never use it.
Anthony: It's the most sensible thing you can do...
04.23.09

LOVE&PEACE RALLY

2009-04-27T18:07:00.003-04:00

LOVE & PEACE RALLY
May 7th - all day
in front of One Pace Plaza

...because we can!

contact: taylormchugh@gmail.com

I'm now excited to see her speak...

2009-04-27T16:45:00.003-04:00

Found on: Feministing

Fa Mu Lan

2009-04-26T22:11:00.003-04:00

Did you know that Fa Mu Lan is based on a real Chinese folktale? Regardless if it is a true story or was simply a ballad, the idea of a woman warrior, and how "you can hardly tell the doe from the buck" is indeed revealing of the fluidity of gender -- even in ancient China...

How come we haven't caught on as a whole yet?

little Hegemony

2009-04-23T11:45:00.003-04:00

a saffron dress and cooper hair
she lives in fantasy of innocence
all are seated at her party:
Malibu Barbie, a blinded owl
a blue teddy bear with a patched vest
the elephant who always forgets
she pours their tea, and fashions their play
while everyone enjoys the scones and chats
of shoes and ships and ceiling wax

drink your tea and swallow your pride --
for little Hegemony made you

'Senioritis'

2009-04-21T21:02:00.005-04:00

A friend and I were talking about our sudden case of 'senoritis.' It would have taken me one hour to get a bulk of my work done, but I didn't finish it until 2:00am. When talking to a professor of ours, she exclaimed that it was fine - we're naturally burnt out from four years of undergrad and looming pressure of graduation. While I do enjoy basking under the excuse of a factitious disease, I wonder if I would be procrastinating as much if a label didn't exist? Am I only allowing myself to be lazy in my work because there is now a justified condition to fall back on? Would I be more pro-active and focused if it wasn't socially acceptable for seniors to slack off? Like other shortcomings, do we use it to excuse our misguided and idle efforts instead of pushing to grow and overcome them?

I don't know - I'm just going to download another season of Scrubs and call it a night.

The Rescue: Invisible Children

2009-04-20T23:52:00.001-04:00

http://therescue.invisiblechildren.com/en/#/watch/

If I didn't cry every day to begin with, I'd go. For freakin' sure, I'd go.

Dhaka, Bangladesh: Fear creeps in..

2009-04-20T23:15:00.003-04:00

"For all it's forests, temples, mosques, islands and beaches, the highlight of Bangladesh is Bangladesh. Once evoking images of war, overcrowding, floods and poverty, Bangladesh has largely fallen off the radar of Western consciousness into obscurity. But while the international psyche may not extend beyond ambivalence towards Bangladesh, the dynamic country proudly and progressively considers itself to be an active participant in an increasingly global community. In defiance of its stuttering development and the weight of historical tragedy that it bears, it is a nation charged with insatiable perseverance and promise....

As a traveller you offer Bangladesh an insight into the rest of the world and an opportunity to give the rest of the world an insight into it. For this reason it is one of the last frontiers where genuine cultural interaction is not only possible, but unavoidable. Every exchange you have is significant. Each impression you leave will remain, and each impression you get will join with a thousand others and culminate in wonderment that the whole world isn't talking about Bangladesh, where extraordinary kindnesses are ordinary occurrences.

A visit to this overwhelming coutnry is not just a travel experience - it's a life experience....

Dhaka is charged with a raw energy that is at once enraging and engaging. Million of individual pursuits constantly churn together into a frenzy of collective activity - it is an urban melting pot bubbling over. Nothing seems to stand still. Even the art moves, paraded on the back of the city's sea of 600,000-plus rickshaws, which throb with colour and restlessness even when gridlocked.

Many visitors find their first moments in Dhaka overwhelming. For sure, if you stand by passively and watch while Dhaka rages on, you will certainly become vertiginous with the unstoppable activity surging past. But if you move with it, if you climb onto a rickshaw and go with the heady flow of things, you may be surprised at how comfortable you can feel in a city that seems perpetually uncomfortable with itself.

If Dhaka was a man, you might not instantly warm to him, but he would linger in your mind as one of the most dynamic characters you had the good fortune to meet."

-Lonely Planet: Bangladesh

"charity survives"

2009-04-20T12:11:00.001-04:00

From Post Secret

4/17 Left Forum

2009-04-09T12:30:00.001-04:00

Left Forum
April 17th
1:00-2:00pm
Reading my thesis!

"This is the true joy in life:"

2009-04-07T23:31:00.000-04:00

"This is the true joy in life: Being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it what I can. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."
-George Bernard Shaw

new heights

2009-04-05T21:13:00.005-04:00

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.” - Goethe

This was the quote at the end of yoga class today. It's hard to describe how much I am benefiting from yoga classes at Yoga to the People. The fact that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg to receive this escape is exactly what I need.

I love how the first thing each instructor says is: "Don't compare yourself to anyone, you are not here to judge yourself or compete." My perfectionist concepts are tuned down to be less self-destructive and becomes more constructive and focused. All I need to worry about it myself. "If you fall, it's fine. You have your whole life to achieve perfection" - is another reminder I need. Cliche, but perfectly metaphorical for my life. I sweat out all insecurities, stretch to the best I can and focus on my present breathing. Yoga is the perfect counter balance for my destructive self, and enhances my strong qualities.

So much so, that my mean reds have been absent. The angry, loathing, sad creature I turn into has not reared it's ugly head at its favourite time: one of the most busiest times in my life. I am patient with myself; using my hopeless optimism and high standards to not collapse me, but heighten me. Instead of scolding myself for failing to be some ideal, I am taking pride in knowing that I am made the attempt and am still growing into something better. I've eliminated much superficiality and need for competition and it's calmed me. And I am proud that I made this positive step for my own growth.

freedom

2009-04-04T12:36:00.002-04:00

Zipolite, Oaxaca, Mexico

true grace

2009-04-04T10:59:00.002-04:00

"I'm not exactly a challenge-loving person; but at the same time, I don’t exactly have an aversion to potential conflict."
- an anonymous friend

Congrats Lindsay!!

2009-04-01T20:00:00.001-04:00

My fellow SASer is freakin' fantastic: STATravel
no one deserves it more than her :)

Cafe La Blanca (15/3)

2009-03-31T15:50:00.000-04:00

We were heading to a famous cantina with bullet holes in the walls, to discover it was closed. Walking up Calle de Cinco de Mayo in Mexico City, we opted for a small, colorless café: Café La Blanca and her wood panels, orange metal chairs, covered with photos of diner food taken in the 1980s and old maps of the city, florescent lights and server’s clothes resembling nurse uniforms. We sit at the counter for a café Americano y té de negro. Our usual random flow of conversation begins, but is silently interrupted with the life of this place.

With his silver hair and black mustache contrasting, our server has the dramatic moves of a symphony conductor, with a distinguished mole on his upper left cheek. Dressed in his server’s attire of a white lab coat and black bow tie, he resembles both a doctor and musician. With little to do, the conductor sits at an empty table, elbow on table, chin in hand, and drifts into his world. What orchestras is he creating in his mind? What pieces of melancholy does he feel and pour into his work? What emotions does he draw upon in his every day that create these grand gestures?

A female sever, hair in a bun with a yellow uniform, approaches him contemplating and rubs him on the arm. He looks up and smiles. She speaks to him, reassuringly and contentedly, as he continues to smile.

Sitting at the counter, an old man is dressed in an old uniform, with a police cap with a metal icon on display. Quietly, he sips his drink: un café con leche. He stares nowhere else but at the edge of his cup. I see his eyes: the sad eyes of an old man who is lost. His friend, also a police officer, is dress in a more modern uniform. He is had lost all 10 front teeth, but is unafraid to show it, for his constant, high, and child-like laughter at, and with, everyone around him.

The conductor comes back to the counter to fill the older police man’s cup. The sad officer continues to look down at the edge of the counter, unresponsive to his friend’s chuckles, shouting cooks, or the child across the way who put such an excessive amount sugar into his drink that his face shrink and sank away in its bitter taste. The conductor, begins to pour la leche into his mug. In his dramatic gesture, he tilts the metal tin to pour, raises it high as it pours gracefully into his mug, then lowers it until the right amount was released.

The older police officer looked up, and smiled.

All the while, we smile.

The extraordinary in the ordinary. Do what you can to inspire people to smile. And smile at all attempts made to you.

little things

2009-03-27T14:22:00.002-04:00

I am typing up transcripts for interviews for my job and I got a new program to do it with that slows down the recording. I can't help but laugh every two minutes because my supervisor sounds high, asking these in depth questions about public health but suuuppeerr ssllooow. And when someone laughs, it extends and I imagine them on opium, rolling around with Buddha.

Life's little things.

Decisive Element

2009-03-26T21:33:00.001-04:00

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

an attempt

2009-03-11T19:24:00.001-04:00

CHS Newspaper Article

Ani DiFranco "Promiscuity"

2009-03-11T10:22:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMqBUnbZTHc

me?

2009-03-09T00:04:00.002-04:00

Courtesy of PostSecret
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/SbMuhmklUjI/AAAAAAAAISE/rga_Jja6Lek/s1600-h/fucking.jpg

"everything's amazing, and nobody's happy"

2009-03-01T22:25:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yk7nKjr9Keo

patience for an unresolved heart

2009-02-23T21:03:00.001-05:00

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer."
- Rainer Maria Rilke

I always forget how truly young we are. I should love you for your youth rather than reproach; as I should smile at my own innocence.
So long as we keep our eyes on the horizon.

"Our Deepest Fear"

2009-02-20T15:18:00.000-05:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine.
We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Mariane Williamson

subway tears

2009-02-19T19:54:00.002-05:00

Subways are so easy to cry on -- no expectations and the common understanding that it's a quiet space without need to perform.

And sometimes, a stranger's pure smile has a more prodigious effect than a friend's compulsory embrace.

Shadowed Ego

2009-02-16T23:18:00.007-05:00

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more...
-Lord Byron

Nothing but the mountain and I, and her challenge. No need to juggle blood or fire; for roles, goals, or shadowed ego. All measurements can left behind with petty complications. Nothing but her truthful existence revealing the path of the effortless demise of my mannequin. Moments of fleeting clarity have the strength of the confident stars more brilliant than the lights of this city.

But I wish my grip was stronger as I'm thrown back into the pit.

2009-02-05T23:09:00.001-05:00

the hardest part is transforming guilt into inspiration.

Her* Wife

2009-02-05T21:02:00.001-05:00

" -- Yet a barful strife!
Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife."
Twelfth NIght I.5

This knot

2009-01-28T18:25:00.002-05:00

O Time, thou must untangle this, not I
It is too hard a knot for me t' untie.
- Twelfth Night II.3

ineffable

2009-01-11T18:54:00.004-05:00

Disclaimer - enter the museum only to learn that the world is something you will never understand.
Disclaimer - years of history are contained behind thick panes of glass that will only be misunderstood by parents chasing their kids to the gift shop.

The perfect universe, the wisdom of ancient tribes, the spirit of me - frozen behind the glass. Things we can't describe suddenly have boundaries, terms and limits. Years summed into a small paragraph. Goals and accomplishments far greater than ours are labeled primitive.

Questions like "What is the universe" summed into two sentences.
Questions like "What's next?" have a path I am not willing to follow.

I am here, surrounded by superficial innocence - I'd rather sin for wisdom.
Because if this universe has any truth, it's never-ending forgiveness.

religious solidarity

2008-12-18T16:34:00.002-05:00

“Almost all the peasants [Paul Farmer] was meeting shared a belief that seemed like a distillation of liberation theology: 'Everybody else hates us,' they’d tell him, 'but God loves the poor more. And our cause is just.' The Marxists Farmer had read, and many of the intellectuals he knew, distained religion, and it was true that some versions of Christianity, and more than a few missionaries, invited impoverished Haitians into what Pere Lafontant called 'the cult of resignation,' into accepting their lot patiently, anticipating the afterlife. But the Christianity of the peasants Farmer talked to had a different flavor: 'the shared conviction that the rest of the world was wrong for screwing them over, and that someone, someone just and perhaps even omniscient, was keeping score.' He felt drawn back toward Catholicism now, not by his own belief but in sympathy with theirs, as an act of what he’d call 'solidarity.' He told me, 'it was really the experience of seeing people up there in Cange, or in some awful hospital, or at a funeral, or knowing that people were awaking in their huts to two rooms full of hungry kids and still going on. Religion was the one thing they still had.'

How could a just God permit great misery? The Haitian peasants answered with a proverb: ...'God gives but he doesn’t share.' This meant, as Farmer would later explain it, “God gives us humans everything we need to flourish, but he’s not the one who’s supposed to divvy up the loot. That charge was laid upon us.' Liberation theologians had a similar answer: 'You wants to see where Christ crucified abides today? Go to where the poor are suffering and fighting back, and that’s where He is.'
- Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, A Man Who Would Cure the World

Solidarity – the perfect term for what I believe. I remember talking to a man in Africa, telling me of his religion and love for God, about ubuntu and how were are all connected through God. One could call him ignorant, I call him simple. He believed it, so purely, surely and happily; there was no agenda, it was an exchange -- that it caused me to believe.

2008-11-11T23:21:00.004-05:00

how come death makes you want to cry and sleep it all away, then make you want to live and never waste a second -- all at the same time?

why does he have to die for me to want to live?

New Attitude '08

2008-11-07T12:09:00.001-05:00

I believe Obama has such pressures on him to help every American, to be an excellent successful Black President, to not be so liberal. Times are always best when the government is split, not majority one party: when President is one party and the Senate is another.

I like Obama, I voted for him. I was never obsessed and star struck like many others; I never wore a pin or a T-shirt. I did not follow him from the beginning of his campaign. Idolizing anyone always seems to end in downfall because people are, in fact, human. I know that there will be moments of him disappointing me entirely. But I did cheer in Union Sq. at 1:30 in the morning with hundreds of other young people. You might consider me a flip-flopper – neutral until someone wins, then I join that side. No. I cheered for the revolution: intellectualism, awareness, participation, strength against adversity, progression. I cheered for the passion that everyone felt.

I think what Obama has started is a world of passion – people stood on the street fundraising and invested themselves in this candidate – and now should hold him accountable. Citizens need to understand that participation goes beyond voting – but goes into writing letters to congress, attending events with community orgs, taking to the streets when we are upset OR happy with a decision that the government made. We need to not be apathetic. I believe Obama convinced people to believe, not only in him but themselves and the change we can create.

I am upset that people are saying “yes we did!” – claiming that our fight is over, we did it. We took a first step, but we need to keep in the present and remember that there is still lot that needs to be done – that CAN be done. Yes we can – and we should, and we will. Just because is he in office, doesn’t mean that racism is over, or opposition will not become stronger (the conservatives might push even harder now, trying to end this liberal regime. Every move made will be spun, and we need to be aware of the spin that is being taken by the media.) We need to continue this awareness and passion with a critical eye.

It’s not all up to Obama. He is not the ultimate change. Change is 10% what happens, and 90% the way you react to it. Let us continue that faith and action towards what we want to see and realize it’s in us, not only Obama.

youth generation

2008-11-07T10:45:00.000-05:00

"It appears, too, that the intense bonding of younger Americans with the youthful Mr. Obama initiates the transmission of power from baby boomers, who have for so long consumed the nation’s assets and attention, to a younger generation from whom so much has already been taken, in social security and resources." -nytimes

Decree

2008-10-21T23:50:00.001-04:00

I hereby make this decree – I am growing out my hair for the enjoyment of the women and girls in Bangladesh that I will hopefully work with concurrent with the Fulbright Scholarship. They get so much entertainment out of playing with bouncy curls, something I want to bring and give to them if I go back.

If I am not awarded this scholarship, a scholarship that I fully deserve, I will shave my head. If Fulbright believes that I am not worthy or cannot live up to their high standards – then I will continue to create my own standards. If I don’t fit within their own boundaries, I will assert that I have no boundaries.

Fulbright Scholarship: Proposal

2008-10-21T23:48:00.000-04:00

STATEMENT OF GRANT PURPOSE
Amanda Fxxxxxxx, Bangladesh, Anthropology
The Effects of Grassroots Programs on Women Victims of Trafficking

In my research project, I will investigate the different rehabilitation initiatives of non-governmental and community based organizations’ anti-trafficking programs in Dhaka, Bangladesh. Reviewing the progress of their after-care programs will identify successful components of model programs for the autonomy of the women and girls they serve. Through sponsorship of Dr. Rxxxxx (letter forthcoming) from the Development Studies Department at Dhaka University, I will conduct structured interviews with various anti-trafficking advocates to explore their opinions on the programs. These interviewees will include members of NGO organizations, activists of women’s rights, and the women themselves who are living in post-trafficking shelters. To gain more access into the lives of these women, I intend to volunteer in local shelters to observe firsthand the value of the academic, vocational and therapeutic developmental programs available. My final evaluation will highlight extensively the approaches that best support women’s autonomy after commercial sexual exploitation.

My work in the All Bengal Women’s Union in Kolkata, India allowed me to spend personal time with Bangladeshi girls who were sexually exploited. Their stories haunt my mind, and pushed me to promote awareness of sex trafficking and to identify the best methods of rehabilitation and prevention. According to the United States’ Trafficking in Persons Report 2007, Bangladesh has made progress in prosecuting trafficking offenses and in creating awareness campaigns geared towards vulnerable communities, but it relies on NGOs to provide medical and psychosocial care to victims. Illegal migration is a governmental issue, as is the immediate arrest of those who threaten human security through trafficking, as defined in the United Nations’ Report of the Secretary General High-level Panel on Threats, Challenges and Change (2004). However, I will focus on the role of community based organizations and grassroots campaigns to not only provide the rehabilitation of these females, but also to empower their voices to increase the efficacy of prevention programs.

Surrounded by Bangladeshi girls in the shelter, I pushed myself to learn more of the staggering history of Bangladesh. The last 100 years have been unstable for the nation, including several tyrannical leaderships, liberation wars, and economic insecurity. The Bengali woman has struggled to maintain her identity, which has often been crushed by the marginalization of sexual exploitation. An article called “A Tale of Two Cities,” written by Smarajit Jana, argues that the most horrific effect of trafficking is not the nature of the labor, but the outcome that leaves a woman with little or no option to voice herself (2002). With no place for self-expression, many women fall back into the vicious cycle of exploitation. However, yet another trait of Bangladesh is its strength and creativity during adversity. A country with a great academic history and pervasive political activism, Bangladesh has made progressive strides due to grassroots organizations. These shelters offer a freedom that allows victims to discover their roles in society.

I am currently reading articles on this topic in a course I am co-teaching at Pace University entitled “The Impact of Conflict on Women and Children.” With the Critical Language Enhancement Award, I will spend June to August learning Bengali at the University of Wisconsin’s South Asian Summer Language Institute to strengthen my Bengali needed for the interviews. Upon my arrival in Dhaka around September 7th, I will investigate important organizations and shelters within the community that deal with the issues of sex trafficking. Working with local communities and shelters, I can observe the women’s responses and progress from program initiatives. After informally meeting with at least 10 anti-trafficking shelters and at least 8 anti-trafficking activists and experts in the months of September to December, I will develop structured interview questions with Dr. Rxxxxx. During the months of January to April, the interviews will be conducted with advocates and the women involved, to determine the goals and effectiveness of the programs. I will also do brief interviews with women within the shelter I work in and follow their progress throughout their time at the shelter, observing their progress in programs made available to them. With my knowledge of Bengali and a student translator, I will be able to conduct the interviews in the women’s native tongue, allowing them to feel more comfortable. From the months of March to May, Dr. Rxxxx and I will analyze my recordings and notes to outline messages and strategies for a guideline for NGO’s rehabilitation programs. I plan to have my notes cataloged before my departure in June.

This project will investigate the paths of women’s development after their tragic commercial sexual exploitation. Leading to unique insights, messages and strategies, my research can help local organizations further aid the after-care programs of reintegrating females into society. While government based prevention campaigns and enactment of laws are an important step towards elimination, they are not the end all. The demands factors of sex trafficking occur on many levels, such as global injustice, gender and class discrimination, poverty, and a lack of education. Therefore, there needs to be a multilevel approach towards its eradication. Studying the rehabilitation programs can spread awareness to the Bengali community to understand the importance of after-care, as well as teaching Western institutions that “saving” these women from their sexual bonds is not the final step. Reviewing the efforts of local programs from my Western perspective in Bangladesh will allow for a cooperative understanding between Western activists and Bengali advocates, as well as assisting the women in need. The empowerment gained by the women will not only guide them towards self-sufficiency, but to take on leadership roles to disseminate information on the deception and cruelty of sex trade.

The research through this scholarship will provide me with the academic knowledge necessary to produce action. Tying the local communities to global citizenship will be an excellent experience for my career aspirations. I will leave for Bangladesh in September 2009, and upon my return in the summer of 2010, I will work with non-profit organizations to apply my understanding of small focused groups creating change. In fall 2010, I will apply to graduate schools with programs in public and social policy so I can take my appreciation for local organizations and help give them more power at the legislative level.